


WE'RE NOT BEAUTIFUL LIKE THAT. ╱ mx

by applemouf



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, His donsaengs mean more to him though, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Miss me with that good shit, My First Fanfic, Not safe for anyone under 890 yrs old, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Harm, Yoo Kihyun is pretty hurt, an attempt at humor, sorry I made Wonhoe Kyunie and Hyung$$$ so evil
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-05
Updated: 2017-12-11
Packaged: 2018-10-28 07:34:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10826709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/applemouf/pseuds/applemouf
Summary: simply being alive was just not enough.[ half hiatus ╱ half not ]START ╱ 5.4.17END ╱©roseykisu





	1. ↦ don't you dare

**Author's Note:**

> ONLY THE BEGINNING FAM

AHEM! BEFORE THIS FANFIC STARTS.. hai my names Xane Kyoya ^-^ give me any nickname you want. This is my first ever fanfiction so I'm really sorry if sucks. And also sorry for the horrible cover. I have had no ideas since last week and it's been upsetting. My worst fear is that I turn these real, living, and breathing humans into piles of shit so yeah haha sorry in advance~ Also if anyone would like to make a cover for this story go ahead ^-^ even if your picture doesn't end up as the cover it'll still end up in the book promise!  

Now without further a doooooooooo- 

(Addition Things on Wattpad)  
〜  
❝We're Not Beautiful (Like That)❞  
〜

Jooheon was young enough to believe that everyone liked him. When he was 4 he would pretend to be a cop and saved people in danger. He was naive and innocent. It was something different, yet he wished he'd stay like that.

Monsta X's name was plastered all around the world. They were popular now.

"Hyung," Jooheon turned to Hyunwoo one simple Saturday, "well you be okay tomorrow?" He asked; his voice quiet and soft yet full of worry. "I will be fine Jooheon. Don't worry."

"Okay hyung."

ー

Jooheon normally worried about other people other than himself. He helped people because he believed if he did that his purpose in life would be true. He was only a toy. He was Monsta X's Jooheon.

"I'm attracted to pretty things." Said Hyungwon truthfully to the MC. The young girls squealed in the audience. "Pretty things?" The MC giggled. "We're attracted to you too Hyungwon!" The happy virus of the group, Minhyuk, exclaimed loudly into the microphone. So loud  Minhyuk heard a monbebe utter but it was left unnoticed.

"So Monsta X is actually becoming a topic in households all through South Korea. How do you guys feel about that?" The MC asked belatedly by how cute the Monsta X members smiled. "We honestly thank our monbebe's who helped us. This could've never happened without them." Hyunwoo, aka Shownu, answered. The Monbebe's cheered for Monsta X as they smiled. Monsta X performed that day.

Nothing out of the ordinary.

Never were things done differently. 

It was a schedule.

"Where's Jooheon?" Hyunwoo asked. The younger male was usually home by now. "He went out for a run-" Minhyuk stopped abruptly when Hyunwoo groaned. As the leader walked away he could he a faint thanks Minhyuk and with that he's never felt more useless in his life.

ー

It was Kihyun and Jooheon who were called in by their manager. Jooheon still sore from his run yesterday played it off as if he were okay (which is something he's done very often). 

"Sit you two." 

They sat.

"I wanted to speak to you two personally with no interruptions." They nodded, listening intently. "As you both know, Monsta X's popularity is growing rapidly."

"Yes.."

"But it seems as though you guys aren't growing with it."

They were confused. What was that supposed to mean? Of course they were growing with their popularity it was their popularity.

"Kihyun, you are a great vocal- one of the best I've ever heard if I do say so myself, but visually you are not that appealing to look at." Their manager spoke truthfully and Kihyun flushed with red. It was the self doubt fading in. "You lack Kihyun. Not only in your physical appearance but also your dancing. Isn't it already bad that your damn lisp holds you back?" All Kihyun could do was nod. Nod nod nod nod. Holding back his tears.

"Now Jooheon, how long have you been dieting?" His breath caught in his throat. "Close to 11 months now sir." He answered lowly. Their manager laughed, "Right okay. Jooheon you are well aware that you're fat right? And, just like Kihyun, it is quite unappealing to look at. How about you just stop eating?" 

It took every bone in Kihyun's body not to swing at him. How could he speak so recklessly and carelessly to his dongsaeng like that. He knew Jooheon was too impressionable for his own good. He most likely was eating what this bastard was saying right up. Which couldn't be the farthest from the truth.

"Jooheon and Kihyun for now own I want you to only care about the things I told you guys. You two will dance in the practice room everyday for an additional 5 hours after the others have done their time. Hopefully that will make you, Kihyun, better at dancing and could allow fatty to lose a couple of pounds." 

Who the hell was be calling fatty? Not Jooheon!

"Yes sir." The stood and bowed politely to their elder as they left the room. 

ー

"JOOHEONIE! COME EAT FOOD!" Minhyuk called from the living room; his voice was way the hyper and full of energy at 6 in the morning. He was jumping from wall to wall- well not really but that what the other members presumed it to look like if he were even more animated than he already was. The members would be lying if they said he wasn't annoying of course, but most of the time it was a good annoying. 

"I'm good, hyung." Jooheon says as he walked into the living room. "Jooheon, you have to eat if you want to grow." Minhyuk stated with a big smile plastered on his face. Jooheon looked at him and then turned away. "I said I was okay hyung. God." He said walking out of the door.

Minhyuk's smile fell a little to quickly for the rest of the members liking, but they didn't pay much attention to it after he went back to being his talkative self when to maknae arose from his room.

Even though Minhyuk still hurt, it was quickly over looked by the presence of Changkyun. And Minhyuk didn't know which hurt more.


	2. ↦ minhyuk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> • it makes me wonder if i even matter •

__

"Woo! That was fun!" Minhyuk exclaimed as Monsta X had just got done performing. The other members groaned as the loud male's voice filled their ears. Minhyuk smiled because he knew the members were stressed and maybe they do like him but it still hurt so fucking much. "You guys did well today. Hopefully-"

"Minhyuk," Hyunwoo said from the front seat in the car. Minhyuk's looked up quickly and he could feel his bones pop which shocked him. "Shut up."

"Sorry." Minhyuk apologized. That was just Hyunwoo's stress talking or so he believed.

The rest of the car ride was quiet. Too quiet. Minhyuk couldn't even bare to stay in this car for much longer. But with the greater feeling of self hate on he chest he just paused. His brain malfunctioned and he passed out.

ー

"Hey, Lee Minhyuk! Wake up!"

"I'm sorry.." Minhyuk said jolting awake.

"Why are you apologizing? Just get up. We need to go." Hoseok stated jumping out of the van and walking into the dorm. Minhyuk got out in a haze. He placed his hand where the door would be to help him get out. His brain was foggy.

"SHIT!" Minhyuk screamed. The door had slammed shut on his fingers. There was blood- so much blood. That Minhyuk couldn't even move at the sight of it. It hurts it hurts so bad.

"Hoseok.. Hoseok hyung.." He cried. He pushed open the door as much as he could with his left hand and walked inside.

ー

"Minhyuk. Are you okay?"

"Why are you worrying? He's Minhyuk. If something was wrong he'd be rolling right now." Hoseok said to the eldest member. Hyunwoo believed that was partially true. Minhyuk was very dramatic, but he was also quite timid.

"I'm okay hyung." Minhyuk smiled. He's hand was in pain. But it would go away. The pain almost always goes away. Almost always. Hyunwoo looked at him for a couple more seconds before turning on his heel and walking towards the bathroom.

Minhyuk felt a wetness forming in his eyes. He couldn't cry here while his team members were sitting in the living room- not like they'd care anyways. He was still bleeding from his right hand, but for some reason he was shaking. He was trying so hard to stand still but he was shaking and his brain was a mess. A shaking a mess named Minhyuk.

"Minhyuk-ah," Hyunwoo rasped walking out of the bathroom hair dripping wet, "why aren't you sitting down?" Minhyuk hadn't realized he'd been standing in the same spot for so long. He'd basically been standing for the duration of Hyunwoo's shower. And now everyone was looking at him. Why are the looking at him? Why are they looking at him?

"Minhyuk?" Hyunwoo approach him as if he was a wounded animal. As if something was wrong.

"I was- I kinda- just- hyung-" he couldn't speak. What was wrong with him? His brain had a hard time making his words come out correctly. "Minhyuk-ah, let me see your hand?"

"It's honestly nothing hyung!" _fuckfuckf- it burns why does it burn?_

"Leave him alone Hyunwoo. Y'know he's a drama queen. He probably just broke a nail or something." Hyungwon commented from the sofa staring intently at his phone. "Plus Minhyuk isn't worth the time." Changkyun added on earning a snicker from Hyungwon and Hoseok.

_the blood. 'ts dripping. hyunwoo hyung can you hel-_

"Okay. Somebody needs to get in the shower now." Hyunwoo turned on his heel again just like earlier and walked towards the other members. And just like that he didn't care about Minhyuk anymore. And Minhyuk didn't care about Minhyuk either.

 


	3. ↦ excuse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> • im not ugly right.. shit •

Lee Minhyuk woke up with red and puffy eyes the next day. _But who gives a fuck? Minhyuk surely doesn't._

"Are you sick?" Changkyun asked poking Minhyuk a little to close to his eye. He flinched _slightly_ , only to answer their maknae with a smile. "I'm super good. I feel refreshed."

Changkyun gave a small thumbs up before quickly grabbing a hold to Minhyuk's injured hand and pulled him into the living room. Minhyuk almost gasped at the sudden burning contact, but he didn't. Everyone was eating. Just eating. But why did it bother him so much more than it should've? The fact that they love their food more than him? He could never be food. He could never sale his body to a point that would be classified as cannibalism. Never. _Well.._

"-uk? Did he fall asleep with his eyes open again?" He heard Hoseok snapping his fingers in front of his face. Minhyuk looked up at Hoseok and with his last bit of breath and smiled. "Minhyuk hyung, stop acting retarded." Jooheon said rolling his eyes. Kihyun and Hyunwoo eyed the younger boy, and what Kihyun noticed what Hyunwoo couldn't. He wasn't fucking eating anymore. Taking two bits out an egg white and saying your full didn't exactly sit well for Kihyun.

-

Kin _d of fucking question is that?_

"Who's the ugliest member on Monsta X?" The MC smiled slyly at the Monsta X members. Hyungwon and Hoseok almost coughed a lung when she finished the question. "We took a poll with the fans to see who's the ugliest member. You guys wanna see?" The crowed screamed. _Shit_ , Kihyun couldn't breathe.

"Drum roll please!" Dudmdudmdudmdudmdudndydndum-

"Kihyun-ssi!" The crowed laughed and so did the rest of the Monsta X members. "Here, Kihyun-ssi, we made a special button for you." _God of Ugliness._

"Thank you." Kihyun smiled walking over, bowing, and accepted his award. A random fan decided it was a good idea to voice her opinion at the moment. "Kihyun oppa is the ugliest, but Minhyuk oppa is the most annoying."

"True!" Minhyuk laughed smile plastered brightly on his face. He turned to the MC, "so now don't I get an award?" He pointed at himself with his eyes wide and almost popping out of his chest. _**My fans don't like me. My fans don't like** **me**_. "Sorry but we don't give awards for being annoying. We give duct tape though." He thought she was joking until she signaled to camera man to bring the best duck tape they had.

He didn't talk for the duration of the interview.

-

"Minhyuk- here lemme-" Hyunwoo grabbed a hold of Minhyuk's head and slightly pushed it back. He saw how Minhyuk had struggled to get the duct tape off his mouth the first time he tried to do it and really couldn't work his head around it. The position that Hyunwoo and Minhyuk where in looked almost intimate as Hyunwoo pushed Minhyuk against the back wall. "Fuck Minhyuk, the tape won't come off."

There were small tears in Minhyuk's eyes. Not just from the tape but from the immense pressure Hyunwoo was putting on Minhyuk's hand. He could feel Hyunwoo's breath on his face which made him uncomfortable but gave him this feeling. _**Why does Hyunwoo hyung wanna help me?**_

"Get a roooom!" Changkyun yelled from a far running over to them (with Hoseok and Hyungwon not far behind.) Hyunwoo quickly released Minhyuk from his grasp at the sound of the other members taunt. "Stop being a bother and come help Minhyuk for me."

"What? His duct tape won't come off?" Hyungwon laughed. Pushing Minhyuk against the wall like Hyunwoo, Hyungwon attempted to take the duct tape off of his hyung. Then Hoseok joined. And then Changkyun.

" **FUCK!** " Minhyuk screamed putting his hand to his mouth instantly. Hyunwoo immediately tried to raise Minhyuk up to see the damage to tape had made to his face, but all he could notice was the fresh tears streaming down his dongsaeng's face.

He tried again and again to lift Minhyuk's face but he wouldn't budge until Changkyun grabbed him hard by the jaw and forcibly pulled his head up quickly. Snapping his head up so everyone could see the tears and the peeling and bleeding skin on his thin lips. His eyes were wide and shaking. Hyunwoo didn't know what to do. "Minhyuk.."

Changkyun and the others laughed dramatically making fun of their happy-virus. "What a cry baby!" Hyungwon exclaimed walking away. The fresh tears rolled down his cheeks. _**They don't care about you.**_ The tears fell harder and harder until he realized Hyunwoo was gone. And so was everyone else.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos are appreciated ^-^


	4. ↦ kihyun-ah

It was 4 am. Kihyun knew he was the only one awake after checking every single room. The soft snores of his members extremely visible and extremely cute. It has been 2 weeks since the incident with the manager and Kihyun has been dueling it since. Jooheon hasn't been himself recently and he believed everyone noticed. He honestly wanted to help him. To tell him he was fine the way he was and nobody should tell him stuff like that. But he wouldn't listen. He continued to not eat and use his "on a diet" excuse for almost every meal. It frustrated him more than it should.

Stress was added and added on Kihyun's shoulders almost every time he'd see the younger not eating and seeing the rest of the members looking carefree. He almost wanted to slap some of them and make feel the same pain Jooheon and him were, but he could never do that. All the stress would go away when the promotions were over.

"I'm not ugly.." Kihyun whispered looking the bathroom mirror. He whimpered pulling on his cheeks and running his fingers along his jaw line. He could tell himself he wasn't ugly but there'd still be that lingering feeling that would say he was hideous and horrible looking. By the managers decision 5 o'clock was the time that Kihyun and Jooheon would start practicing. A whole 2 hours before the Monsta X boys would normally wake up.

"Jooheon-ah, are you gonna eat breakfast?"

"You always ask that and I always say the same thing.. no."

Kihyun sighed, "I'm hoping one day you'll say yes." And he walked out of the door.

-

"Finally you guys are here!" Manager-nim, or more proudly known as PD-KANG, shouted as soon as the boys walked him. Damn bitch, Kihyun muttered under his breath. PD-KANG had made it his fucking duty to teach the boys himself. Which by that was mocking them, calling them names, and almost always throwing some fat joke at Jooheon. Kihyun had to bite back the urge to slap him a couple of times. But Kihyun had to much damn respect for his elders.

"Kihyun watch it." PD-KANG barked at him rather loudly. All Kihyun wanted to do was go home with the other members and test that extra two hours, but he was too ugly to do so. Everything the other members don't have to do, he does. Skin care for all the members indeed, but extra skin care only for Kihyun! Dance lessons for all the members indeed, but extra lessons only for Kihyun! Vocal lessons for all the members indeed, but extra lesson for Kihyun! Cause that damn lisp is holding you back, boy. Take pride in your work, boy. Plastic surgery isn't a problem, boy. Come here, boy.

"KIHYUN-AH!"

Kihyun had finally opened his eyes for a moment. Only to meet PD-KANG's angry ones. "What the fuck do you want?" Kihyun slurred as he began to feel tired. He forgot who he was speaking to. Jooheon gaped.

Jooheon was sweating bullets and Kihyun was on the floor covered in cold sweat. "Sunbaenim... I think he fainte-"

"I don't care!" He shouted loudly and Kihyun flinched hard. "He should be practicing, he should be using those skin care products, he should be fixing his lisp, he's the reason Monsta X is going down the drain. Him." Jooheon could only stop and stare. He didn't breathe, he didn't move, he didn't blink. He was horrified that anyone could say that to his hyung. Kihyun's vision got blurry, and Jooheon could tell he was on the verge of tears. "Go jump off a building, Kihyun."

"The fuck did you just say?" And there was Hyunwoo hyung.

  
-by the way i don't proof read my shit yall,,, that's honestly too much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you read on wattpad im like a whole 2 chapters ahead


	5. ↦ to love him back

He decided to make his way to the studio after waking up his dongsaengs.. cause they were snails. Honestly, he just wanted join Kihyun and Jooheon for a bit. He sees that every has been down lately and he's really trying to play his roll of leader. But it's hard when the members hide things from him.

He didn't expect to see their 40 year old manager on his dongsaeng. The words kihyun, jump off a bridge echoing in this mind as he proceeds to walk into the practice room. Closers and closer, looking ready to stab a bitch.

"What the fuck did you just say?" It takes almost every bone in Jooheon's body to make sure Hyunwoo doesn't beat their manager to death. PD-KANG stuttered as he stood trying very hard to think of an explanation.

"It's okay Hyunwoo hyung." He heard Kihyun's soft voice behind him. "I just did something wrong during practice over and over again, so he got mad." Kihyun lied smoothly. He was skilled in that department and knew how to make up things on the spot. Hyunwoo turned to face Kihyun and bent down to him on the floor. Kihyun looked like a soft, innocent baby to him. And it was true. He picked Kihyun up bridal style and walked out of the practice room without sparing a glance at Jooheon or PD-KANG. Just like that he was gone with Kihyun.

"Get back to work, fatty."

And Jooheon was in hell.

-

"You don't let anybody say that to you Kihyun." Hyunwoo had took Kihyun too the recording studio instead of the practice room. Less stuffy, less people. "Not even our management is allowed to speak to anyone like that."  
Kihyun's vision was still blurry and watery. He didn't want to cry in front of Hyunwoo today. He didn't want to cry at all. But the tears just came down.

"Hey.." Hyunwoo walked over to Kihyun and basically crushed their bodies together. Kihyun cried a lot more because of that action. He loved it with Hyunwoo was affectionate with the members because he was like a dad to them. "What's wrong."

"I dunno.. stress and all this extra stuff." Kihyun whispered in between sobs. Hyunwoo comforted him. Telling Kihyun how amazing and a wonderful singer he and hoped that he washed all of Kihyun's insecurities.

"Hyung.. is there something wrong with me?" Kihyun sobbed and clung onto Hyunwoo tighter. Hyunwoo only rubbed circles into Kihyun's back until he heard the snores of his dongsaeng did he look back at the clock. They'd been here for 2 hours. Hyunwoo sighed to himself.. just 30 more minutes.

-

"Jooheon, your fat is flopping everywhere!" PD-KANG laughed obnoxiously and pinched Jooheon's 'fat rolls'. "Boy, I told you not to eat. Do you know what the word not means?" Jooheon almost threw up for a second. When was the last time he ate again?

"Sir.. I haven't eaten in 4 days."

"You're a little bitch aren't ya?" Jooheon gulped. Why did PD-KANG use all these horrible words towards him. "Not eating means to starve yourself, but don't think about it like that. Think about all those skinny idols that girls adore?"

"They don't care about your fatass now do they?"

"I lost 7 pounds in a week."

"1 pound for each day.. that's to little. This week aim for 14 pounds."

Jooheon could barely believe it. This was happening to him. He was bullied before him middle school and elementary school, but this was different. He didn't want to stop eating, but if that's what the fans wanted.. he'd only obey. He wanted people to love him too. He wanted to be loved. He wanted people to love him back. He didn't wanna be seen as this fat, ugly rapper with no fans. He wanted to be seen as this handsome, charismatic rapper who was adored by almost all. Monbebe's will love him after he lose a few pounds. Yeah, they'll love you. Just don't eat. Don't eat. Don't eat.

"Have you ever heard of purging?"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'm always gonna be 2 chapters behind on this website XD lel


	6. ↦don't love you

Minhyuk's face was an absolute mess. Eyes red and crusty. It was quiet when he woke up and he was half excepting everyone to be gone already. Of course those other 3 Devils- aka Hoseok, Hyungwon, and Changkyun-would still be here; they never think of anyone else but theirselves.

So he didn't move. He didn't want to move. Minhyuk just laid still pretending to be something he's always wanted to be. Dead.

﹌

"Is there something wrong with Minhyuk hyung?" Changkyun asked placing his fork on the plate in front of him and looked up at the other two. His eyes were wide full of concern and the 2 were quick to reassure Changkyun that Minhyuk was just being a drama queen at the time.

Changkyun sighed, "But he always looks sad now and I-I don't want him to look that w-way." His voice was wavering and his breathing was uneven. Why does he feel this way.. why doesn't he always feel this way? The fact that Hoseok and Hyungwon were so blind to everything that was happening around them made him so mad and upset. Changkyun head hurts and he wants to find Minhyuk. But Minhyuk is still asleep.

Minhyuk is still.. asleep?

"Hyung.." Changkyun shakes and this is the first time in 3 years that he has experience this feeling, "I wanna sleep." He says eyes closed and head down. He wants to see Minhyuk- no. he wants to apologize to Minhyuk. He needs to apologize to Minhyuk.

"We have a schedule Changkyu-"

"Fuck the schedule. Let me sleep." He barks looking at them. They promise to wake him up though. 30 minutes. He has 30 minutes.

﹌

"Minhyuk?" Changkyun quietly whispered into the room. He could see the lump under the covers and Changkyun could feel a lump in his throat.

... "Minhyuk hyung?"

And Changkyun couldn't breathe.

﹌

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can anyone read on wattpad? cuz im not getting any votes or comments :c


	7. ↦ hangman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • to which I say, come here love •

"So your telling me," The hospital smells like old people and medicine and Jooheon believes he'll end up here and smell this everyday one day. Hyunwoo looks dead into Changkyun as he speaks to him and Jooheon can feel the nervousness radiating off the young boy, "that when you found Minhyuk he- he wasn't breathing?"

Changkyun shakes his head up and down having remembering the last couple of hours he'd been thinking about the pale lifeless corpse that was his hyung under piles and piles of blankets. He doesn't know how Minhyuk stopped breathing and why he stopped breathing, so he was on edge.

"I walked in because they-" Changkyun said gesturing to Hyungwon and Hoseok, "said I could take a nap if I wanted to and when I walked in-"

"He wasn't breathing?" Kihyun asked from the side. Kihyun hadn't believed them at first when their Manger was rushing them out of the studio because Minhyuk's body had stopped working. They had drove and pulled up to the hospital so quick he was happy that they didn't cause a scene. When they had arrived Minhyuk was already being treated on. He was alive.

What caused this? It scared them- shit Minhyuk must be scared out of his mind. But the source was unknown. And that scared them even more.

...

"Hello."

"Yes, hello." Minhyuk's room was fairly big- well it was big enough. Minhyuk laid still on his bed. Resting. And breathing. He looked peaceful and hell the other boys didn't even want to touch him he looked so small.

The doctor goes onto explain what happened. A decline in his health. Just a major decline. A decline major enough to put him in the morgue. In a casket. In a grave. If Changkyun didn't find him at that time... who knows?  But Minhyuk was there. Breathing and alive.

ー

"Did you- did you feel like you were gonna die?" Hyunwoo asked Minhyuk in a hushed voice and Minhyuk shakes his head no. The faint heart monitor. Beep. Beep. Beep. Every now and then- whenever it sounded like a flat line- Hyunwoo's head would snap towards the monitors to make sure Minhyuk was okay. That he was fine.

How could a decline in his health cause so much? How could something happen so fast and go so unnoticeable by everyone that could almost cause Minhyuk to die? How-

"Did I really stop breathing?"

"That's what Changkyun told us at first.. then the doctor confirmed it."

"Oh.. so I was dead?"

"Yeah kind of.."

And Minhyuk smiled. That was his dream. That was his wish. He wanted to die. This was his dream.

"Why are you smiling?"

Hyunwoo looked wide eyed at the younger boy, "I'm alive."

But that wasn't the reason.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> posted on wattpad like 2 months ago lol


	8. ↦ loser, wannabe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> • person i don't wanna be •

Minhyuk was in and out of the hospital every so often. He hated it. He hated the hospital- but he was becoming so used to it. So used to the smell, so used to the atmosphere, so used to the feeling around it. People were dying in the place that he'd walk around in. People were dying. But he wasn't one of those people.

"Take this medication every so often. It'll help stabilize your overall health."

Minhyuk was holding back from swallowing the whole bottle right then and there. Every time he sees the bottle decreasing slowly one pill at a time, he wanted to rip out his hair. It taunted him. Every time he walked by.

"The fans have been notified about your health, so you'll be on a leave for a good month or so."

"Thanks, hyung."

"No problem." Hoseok smiled. He had no idea about what Minhyuk's thoughts. He looked happy to tye older boy. As happy as a hospital patient has looked before. Isn't he okay? He should be. He's better now.

But he won't get better. He won't ever get better. This was Minhyuk's life. And get could do whatever the fuck he wanted with his life.

-

"This is how purging works,"

Joheoon loomed over the toilet in the bathroom of their shared dorm. It was current 4 am.

"purging in the act of throwing up-"

He fell on his knees, eyes red and blurry.

"you kneel over the toilet-"

He kneeled. Fresh tears finding their way to his glossy eyes.

"take your two fingers- index and middle-"

Two fingers down his throat he gags.

"hit your gag reflex and throw up-"

He coughs and looks at the mess he's made in the restroom. His throat hurts.

"and the deed is done."

".. And the deed is done."

This was his life now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i uploaded this in sept. on wattpad lol so sorry! its too short tho u g h


End file.
